"I want to believe but I just can't”
"I want to believe but I just can't." This seemed to be what was written on the banner flying across the battlefield of my mind. It seemed my fight against my doubts was futile. I felt very hopeless, scared, and full of fear. I had never experienced depression before in my life. I even inadvertently lost 18 pounds not because I was trying to, but the trembling in me drove away all appetite. If that weren't enough, all integrity I had seemed to be slipping away, I was thinking unwelcomed thoughts that disturbed me. I felt I was losing all control of my circumstances, and I felt very isolated and alone. Like the possessed boy's father I cried out "I do believe; help my unbelief" (mark 9:24).
The doubter has a dilemma in that he thinks he lacks faith, however it is faith that conquers doubt. To me it was a paradox. It seemed to me the very thing I needed to conquer doubt, was more faith. But how could I conquer doubt with faith, when faith was the very thing being attacked by my doubts. In a way it reminded me of the ugly disease of AIDS. The AIDS virus attacks the immune system, the very thing your body uses to fight off viruses. The more white blood cells your body sends to attack it, the more white blood cells that become the victim of the virus. If my faith is suppose to sustain me through my trials, what happens when my faith is compromised, what sustains me then. It felt like every avenue of my faith was crushed by my doubts.
I was never a book person. I think I'd only successfully read one book from start to finish. I simply didn't have an interest, nor did I feel I could sit still long enough to read a book. However my battle with doubt consumed 110% of my brain power (not by choice, but compulsion), thus propelling me into the biggest research project of my life. I now own nearly 100 books that I purchased during this struggle, (or borrowed without returning [i was too distracted to remember who all lent them]), looking for anything that could help or shine some light a midst this heavy confusion I was undergoing. I remember exhausting myself so much, and being more overwhelmed than I had/have ever been that me and my wife bought the Disney movie Finding Nemo and I was scared to watch it, not because it was scary, (I laugh at this now) but fearing it would invoke more emotion than this feeble, exhausted, emotionally burnt out person could handle how ever little it was.
How hopeless I felt, I had a genuine desire to trust God with all my heart and yet I couldn't. Fear, anxiety, confusion, depression, panic and the like were my company. On top of researching, I turned where ever I could for help; God, prayer chains, church, fellow Christians, but to no avail, (or so it appeared).