Why are my doubts so persistent? Why do they effect every aspect of my life? Why do I question things that at one time were simply common sense? Why do I not have control over my doubts? Why can I not simply choose to not doubt and move on with my life? Oh how I long to be of one mind again.

  My obsession with my doubts drove me to more studying and research regarding God, evidence, and Christian theology than I had ever done on any subject matter before, or since. For my doubts were attacking at all I held dear even the very foundation of my existence and there was no rest to be found for me. Every waking minute from the horrible depressing moment of waking up to the fear and anxiety that accompanied me to slumber was filled with doubt. It was a battle so wretched I truly wished nobody would ever have to go through it, not even my worst enemy. That being my state, research wasn't an option, it was a must. At first I reached to immediate resources, friends, family, bible verses but found no comfort. I continued to reach farther in meetings with elders, prayer groups, bible study's and still no help. I bought books that had anything to do with, or that could help in any way with this struggle I was going through (I could share with you some excellent reading). There wasn't a day you couldn't find me buried in books, bibles, notes, and tears.

   The worst of it was, In all this research I found a lot of the answers I was looking for. Answers to many of the questions my doubts focused on, I had wisdom beyond my years so to speak. My understanding of Christian theology became such that I felt I could heartily argue with and perhaps turn an atheist yet I couldn't seem to douse my own doubts. Despite all my research my doubts persisted in full force. Why?!?! (I hope you sensed my frustration).

  The problem was my doubts were no longer an intellectual deficiency, they couldn't be explained by a lack of understanding of Christian theology, therefore hope of any simple intellectual solution seemed to be out the door. This forced me to consider causes that I hated to consider in search of answers to the question, "Where do my doubts come from".