I love fireworks. I've even put on professional-level shows that were governed by software running on my computer and ignited through a series of remote controls and firing modules. I love putting on shows, driven by seeing people blessed. One time I invited my bud Walter to come join us. I knew him from bible study but didn't know him much beyond exchanging pleasantries, but he was a friendly, caring brother, and I wanted him to come join me in the fun and he obliged, though hesitantly.

Weirdly, I had seen such reservation in the eyes of people before but didn't put two and two together, and he came to the show. Well, about ten minutes into the show I see him retreat to his car and watch from behind his windshield. I didn't think much of it at the time, he was an older gentleman, I figured it was a nice place to sit down and added a nice barrier. But, about five minutes later, I heard Walter start his car and speed out of the parking lot and he was gone.

He didn't call afterward nor did he reach out, so I contacted him and that's when I found out that while he was serving in Vietnam his entire platoon was shot dead in front of his eyes...only he was spared because of a tree he happened to be behind when they were ambushed. His hesitation to come to the fireworks show was because he knew some things could be triggers, but not having been to a fireworks show like mine, he wanted to come and see. Unfortunately, it brought to the surface every feeling he had from back then and what was to be a fun show to watch, made him relive deep-seated traumatic pains as if they were fresh.

Some of you have similar trauma. Not likely for the same reasons, it may not even be because of an outward event. Nonetheless, it's the same kind of trauma. The same reservation Walter had coming to the firework show is the same reservation you have with going to church, reading your bible, participating in worship, meditating on God, and even praying. Why? Because of the heart-level, deep-seated, painful associations you have with those things, therefore they have actually become triggers that remind you of what you feel you've lost, what you so long for but feel you can't have, the daily griefs you can't shake off. They remind you not of grace but of condemnation. And they feel like just another opportunity for your heart to attack that which you wish your heart would embrace. Like a parent who avoids looking at the last drawing on the fridge from their deceased child, you avoid these things not because you deem them bad, but because of the loss, turmoil, fight, and grief you associate with these things. Whether these things are founded or not is irrelevant, the damage done is legitimate and the pain and torment you associate with them is very real.

Like Asaph in anguish cried out "When I remember God, then I am disturbed" (Psa. 77:3). He, like us, can actually feel less bad and even have semi-normal days when we don't think of the spiritually appraised things. We work, we craft, we knit, we play games, we read, we watch shows, we browse reels, but then something causes us to remember God, and it is then we are disturbed. And not understanding what is going on, we become disturbed that we're disturbed, and we feel guilty for feeling guilty.

This battle, this reality, is more common than you'd think. The amount of people who have written me struggling with going to church, even feeling nauseated as they try and power through it, is fairly common. I believe there is good reason God gives us examples in scripture of godly men experiencing that very thing so we can know..it's okay. Asaph, who struggled with this, was an author of scripture and therefore infused with the Holy Spirit (2 Pet. 1:20-21), yet Asaph actually says of God "You have held my eyelids open; I am so troubled that I cannot speak." (Psa. 77:4). I imagine during this, that going to synagogue was very difficult for Asaph.

Peter, being sifted like wheat (Luke 22:31), when he realized his failures went away and uncontrollably wailed (Luke 22:62). During this time he did not run to God, he ran away from Him. Peter actually departed from everything and went back to what he was doing before Jesus called him in the first place. Peter went fishing (John 21:3).

Asaph and Peter both had what's called impact events. That is, events that impacted their hearts in traumatic ways that caused them to associate Godly things with pain. What differs between these two men is that with Asaph, there is no mention of any event that was the catalyst for this turmoil. Actually, if you read Asaph's psalms, battles like this seem commonplace. Even with Peter, there was no traumatic event from an outside perspective. Honestly, from an outside perspective Peter, out of fear, merely said he didn't know Jesus. It was not what was happening on the outside, but on the inside, triggered by a glance from Jesus (Luke 22:61) that was the source of his bitter weeping.

Many times we are perplexed with ourselves because we look at ourselves from an outside perspective and discount the battlefield within. We judge ourselves based on what defense we'd have to offer to someone else. There is a term for this, it's called "looking-glass self", which describes individuals who form their sense of self based on how they perceive others might see them. Their sense of self is derived from what they perceive it to be through the eyes of another.

I believe we do the same with God today. Peter had heard Jesus say "Whoever denies Me before men, I will also deny him before My Father who is in heaven" (Mat. 10:33), and I believe Peter saw himself through this filter. Therefore Peter, like Asaph, was most likely disturbed when He remembered God. Peter probably had a hard time fellowshipping with anyone. I believe the reason Peter went fishing was to get away from the reminders of what he seemingly had lost, and to avoid the triggers that had made him weep bitterly (Luke 22:62).

Many of you (and I) do the same. Was Peter actually doomed? Of course not. We know the story, Jesus showed up on the shore, cooked him some fish, and recommissioned him into the ministry. Are you actually doomed? Nope, but you feel that way. Like Peter, you probably hear the verses that speak into condemnation, and discount the verses that speak of His grace. In fact, if you're struggling to reconcile the Lord who spoke of denying those who denied Him with the same Lord that is commissioning Peter now, then you likely aren't applying grace very much at all. Peter didn't either, but did that stop God from giving Him grace? Not in the least.

Your feeling God's grace is not a requirement for Him giving it. Take note of the prodigal. This man didn't understand the love His father had for him. Talk about avoiding church... this man avoided his father's house for so long that he became completely destitute, even envying the gruel the pigs were eating. Why did he not return sooner? Simple. He felt unworthy, you hear it in his penance speech (Luke 15:19). I bet this man even loathed seeing other people from his father's house because it likely reminded him of what he had and lost. But out of desperation, without other options, he chose to head back anyway... some of you go to church under the same duress. If the prodigal had understood, felt, and knew, the love his Father had for him, I suspect he would have returned much sooner.

Likewise, many of you don't feel as though Christ is your advocate but your adversary. You view your sin, your hypocrisy, your shortcomings, and instead of seeing Christ and you vs your sin, you see Christ, vs you and your sin. You see him as the judge when He's really your defense attorney who's already settled up your penalty before court was in session. Therefore church, God, reading your bible, things that should be encouraging, are filtered through this self-condemning lens and become discouraging. And after time, your heart becomes trained in associating things like church with pain, and even though you intellectually know they are good things, your heart has been trained to the contrary.

I love my mother, but more often than not, I am guilted by her when I would go visit. My dad did the same before he passed. I love them both, and often longed to see them, but after so many visits crushed by guilt trips, my heart associated visiting them with heaps of guilt and the thought of visiting them made my heart cringe. This made me visit less...and then I would be guilted for not visiting more which only furthered these associations and repelled me even more. To be fair, my grandparents did this to my parents, so I don't fault them for it, it's what they knew. But unfortunately, it's what I know. I inherently now always feel guilty when I remember my parents. The weight of everything heaped on over the years resurfaces every time I think of them. So subconsciously I avoid it, and even though I know I'm going to regret it once my mother is gone too, this association is so powerful that I have to deliberately choose to walk into the cross-fire to go visit.

Unfortunately, I had a similar battle with God. Every time I would read the bible I found condemnation instead of consolation. Guilt instead of grace. Failures instead of forgiveness, and after a while, I found that like Asaph, when I remembered God, then I was disturbed, just as it was with my parents. The difference is, my parents operated this way, but my Lord does not. In fact, there isn't a condemning bone in his body (John 3:17, 12:47).

Side note: I could digress extensively about how my relationship with my parents transferred onto my relationship with God and how the filters I was given by my upbringing are the filters I see God through. While that's all true, I'll save that for another article.

Regardless if our feelings are founded or not, they are our feelings, and I write to you in hopes of offering insight into the battle you associate with reading your bible or attending church. I also want to stress this. God knows, and He doesn't hold it against you. When the prodigal returned and the Father began kissing him, embracing him, and lavishing His love on him, the prodigal didn't get it. Actually, you see him, even after this, try and push his speech out but the Father actually cuts him off mid-speech to go tell the servants to prepare the party so that they could celebrate the son's return.

It didn't take the son feeling or understanding the love of the Father in order for the Father to give it. The same is true for us. Though it is much more pleasant when we do, we're not disqualified when we don't any more than the prodigal was disqualified for not. But don't stop returning to Him despite how you feel. That was the one thing the prodigal did right. He let the Father love up on Him even though he wasn't feeling it. We would be good to do the same.

Having established that, it is possible to retrain the heart (but not required to be in God's grace, all that is needed for that is to let Him). If this article resonates with you I would suggest the following articles that have to do with heart retraining:

You Can Teach the Brain but You Train the Heart

Your Heart is an Uncooperative, Stubborn, Independent Adversary

Cognitive-Behavior Therapy (CBT) in the Bible